Oct 26, 2020
"Just be yourself."
I say this a lot. I preach this A LOT.
My husband said this to me tonight.
"Just be yourself, babe."
I literally felt my body cringe.
I mean I FELT IT. Physically.
Woah.... what was that about?
It felt a little like resistance coupled with some panic.
Supposed to be liberating, right?
Wrong.... not when your entire life you've been getting signals from everyone that "yourself" is wrong.
Every time I show up as "myself".... I get a message back that it's wrong.
That I'm too much. Too vocal. Too loud. Too opinionated. Too confrontational.
I get told that I don't fit in. That I don't get to sit at the table. That I'm not included.
I get told that my opinions are wrong. That I should work on my delivery. I should probably say less. Maybe I should sit down....
I've heard it all.
And it ALL feels bad. The rejection is painful. It hurts my heart. It causes me to close myself off.
I avoid people. I avoid friends. The Enneagram 8 in me won't admit that I'm hurt... so it...